By Skip Foster, Red Tape Florida
A few days ago, a government job posting stopped Red Tape Florida cold.
Palm Beach County is hiring.
The salary: $79,156 to $133,598 annually.
The title?
Chief of Unsafe Structures.
I read it three times. Not because I was confused. Because I wanted to make sure the English language hadn’t quietly changed on me.
It had not.
And so, as a public service to taxpayers who may one day interact with this office, I began wondering what a typical day in the life of Palm Beach County’s future Chief of Unsafe Structures might look like.
Here goes:
7:00 a.m.
Arrive at office.
Review overnight Unsafe Structure Report.
One gazebo remains under observation.
No immediate threat to public safety.
Gazebo issued a warning.
Gazebo does not respond.
This is noted in the file.
7:30 a.m.
Meeting with Assistant Deputy of Inspections.
Discuss strategic vision for unsafe structures.
Consensus reached that structures should ideally become less unsafe over time.
This is described as a “bold goal.”
Action items assigned.
Action items will be revisited at next meeting.
8:15 a.m.
Coffee break.
Coffee station informally inspected.
Found to be structurally sound.
No enforcement action required.
Coffee consumed without incident.
Coffee station will be monitored.
9:00 a.m.
Field inspection.
Citizen reports suspiciously unsafe structure.
Structure confirmed to be unsafe.
Department celebrates another successful identification.
Structure remains unsafe.
But we know about it now, which is progress.
10:30 a.m.
Staff meeting.
Reminder issued that structures found to be safe should be referred to another department.
This department does not handle safe structures.
That is somebody else’s problem.
11:45 a.m.
Lunch.
Restaurant selected after brief structural assessment.
Booth chosen over table near load-bearing wall.
Professionally, you can’t turn it off.
12:30 p.m.
Annual performance review.
Goals established:
- Identify unsafe structures.
- Reduce unsafe structures.
- Discourage creation of additional unsafe structures.
Progress deemed satisfactory.
Reviewer notes that “structures remain a concern.”
Reviewer does not elaborate.
Meeting adjourned.
2:00 p.m.
Emergency briefing.
Report received regarding structure exhibiting advanced unsafeness.
Response team mobilized.
Response team reminded to park in designated spaces.
Structure briefed on its rights.
Structure does not respond.
This is also noted in the file.
3:15 p.m.
Personnel recognition ceremony.
Inspector Jones commended for identifying a structure that was significantly more unsafe than initially believed.
Inspector Jones accepts award.
Inspector Jones notes he just walked past it.
Award stands.
4:00 p.m.
Budget planning session.
Proposal submitted for Assistant Chief of Moderately Unsafe Structures.
Also floated: Deputy Director of Structures That Could Go Either Way.
Both requests referred to committee.
Committee has not yet formed.
Formation of committee referred to subcommittee.
4:45 p.m.
Conference call.
Thirteen attendees.
Discussion centers on whether a structure can be considered officially unsafe if it is only unsafe on weekdays.
No consensus reached.
Legal review requested.
Legal advises it depends.
5:15 p.m.
Task force formed.
5:30 p.m.
Subcommittee formed to advise the task force.
5:45 p.m.
Structure remains unsafe.
5:50 p.m.
New hire raises hand. New hire asks: If we inspected all the structures in the first place, how are there any unsafe ones?” Brief silence. New hire’s question is moved to “parking lot.” HR informed that new hire isn’t going to work out.
6:00 p.m.
Depart office.
Reflect on career path.
Parents once dreamed of doctor. Lawyer. Astronaut.
Instead: Chief of Unsafe Structures.
$133,598 a year.
Full benefits.
Life takes unexpected turns.
To be fair — and I am straining to be fair here — Palm Beach County is not doing anything particularly unusual. Large governments create specialized units for specialized problems. Dangerous buildings are real. Hurricane damage is real. Somebody does need to deal with those situations.
What fascinates me is not the position.
It is the title.
Because somewhere, sometime, a room full of otherwise functional adults looked at what appears to be a senior building-safety position and concluded that Chief of Unsafe Structures was the clearest, most professional way to describe the job.
Not Director of Building Safety.
Not Chief Building Official.
Not Director of Structural Integrity.
Chief of Unsafe Structures.
Government has a remarkable gift for organizing itself around its own failures. Not around solving them. Around managing them. Naming them. Staffing them. Forming subcommittees to advise task forces about them.
Which makes me wonder what other positions may soon become available.
Director of Potholes.
Chief of Traffic Congestion.
Assistant Deputy of Unreturned Phone Calls.
Administrator of Missed Garbage Pickups.
Deputy Director of Projects That Were Supposed to Be Done Last Spring.
Executive Director of Things That Really Shouldn’t Be Happening.
Chief of Explaining Why the Website Is Still Down.
I made those up.
But the Chief of Unsafe Structures is real.